Needing to Blog

I don't know how many people actually read this. But right now I need the therapy it provides. Today was difficult. I would see a bus like the bus we were on and cringe. Something would remind me and I'd relive some of the moments. I slept well last night, with a little aid from some mild medicine, but not anywhere near long enough. I woke up worried about Viyerrah and had no way to contact him. Worried that something had happened to him between my house and his, worried that he was hit harder than he realized, worried that he had a concussion and knowing if so he should have been woken up every few hours, worried about how he was emotionally especially considering the fact that one of the men pointed the gun at him and said "Kijana umetoa simu, kama hutoi nitakuua saa hii." (translation: young man – but it's an insult to call someone Viyerrah's age, 26, that – have you given out your phone? If you don't I'm going to kill you right now). This was repeated with his phone and wallet because his phone was in the bag he had already given them and he doesn't carry a wallet. At least they never threatened to kill me – actually, they were relatively nice to me. I felt like if I didn't see him today and see with my own eyes that he was ok that I wouldn't be able to sleep tonight.

Today we tried to gather the pieces left from the damage done last night – most importantly the loss of my passport. We went to the police station where I had recorded my losses last night and got an abstract which is required to replace my passport. Then we went and got new passport photos, then I went and recovered my phone number (of course I lost all the numbers I had for people and have to start at zero). So all those things went smoothly and successfully.

Then we went to the American Embassy. Apartly the consular section has the last Wednesday of the month off, which yes that would be today, and then tomorrow is a Kenyan holiday so they are off again. Meaning…I won't even get into the America Embassy until Friday. Then after they help me out I still need to go to the Kenyan immigration and attempt to get things worked out there. Please pray that all goes well. I'm supposed to leave on Monday evening.

My long list of things to do has been chopped into little bits and pieces. There is no way now that I can accomplish most of those things. Especially considering that, the way I am feeling emotionally means that taking public transport is temporarily out of the question. I have three stories I desperately need to write, but I'm not thinking clear enough to write publishable stories. I have books I need to read but one of them is about the genocide in Rwanda (I've already read it once) and wow right now…that's not a good place for my mind to go. Now all my thoughts are geared towards getting my passport and getting somewhere safe and secure.

I don't like the way I'm feeling. I don't like that I'm withdrawing and getting really quiet. I don't like that I constantly feel the many bruises on my arms and legs. Somehow I have to learn to deal with secondary and primary trauma because in my line of work…it happens and the story still must be written.

Many people have sent me wonderful and encouraging emails. They are helpful but I'm having a hard time seeing as far as most of the people are seeing. I'm stuck at about 8:45 PM on April 29^th. I knew I'll move on, I'll get over it but I'm not looking forward to the ensuing time before I move on and get over it. It took me 3 months to start to move on and get over what happened in Londiani and that was trauma imposed upon me from a distant source not one sitting right next to me. It does make a difference.